1. Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.
2. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your
face to be pure ecstasy.
3. When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
4. When it's in your best interest, always practice
obedience.
5. Enjoy it when someone wants to rub your tummy.
6. Take naps and always stretch before rising.
7. Run, romp, and play daily.
8. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
9. Be loyal.
10. Never pretend to be something you're not.
11. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
12. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close
by and nuzzle them gently.
13. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
14. Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
15. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
16. On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady
tree.
17. When you are happy, dance around and wag your entire
body.
18. No matter how often you are criticized, don't buy into
the guilt thing and pout. Run right back and make
friends.
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.
I will address myself mostly to the rules for sleeping with two dogs. For
the few who have already mastered this technique, I will later add a cat,
although I urge beginners to leave the cat out.
To achieve any sort of success, certain arbitrary conditions must be
assumed, the first one being that you must have a king-sized bed. There is
no point in lying down in anything smaller. While the size of the breed of
dog is not important (people who sleep with dogs know that before the night
is over everybody collects into a pile), the condition of the dogs may be.
Very thin dogs, for example, are lumpier.
I have selected the two-dog minimum because, as we shall see, it is the
only way to stay in bed at all. The key word here is LEVERAGE. All dogs spend
the night pressed tightly against their human bedfellows, but no two dogs
ever sleep on the same side. This is, in part, an expression of the "Let
Sleeping Dogs Lie Principle". It is also to create leverage.
Because the human being is always in the middle, held tightly in place by
the dogs and by his blanket (which the dogs are sleeping on top of),
restlessness and recurring cramps are difficult to handle. Here is the tip:
When you first lie down, AND BEFORE THE DOGS
SETTLE AGAINST EACH SIDE OF YOU, spread your legs three inches apart.
Stiffen and hold out NO MATTER HOW GREAT THE PRESSURE! When the time comes
to turn over, bring the legs together quickly under the now slightly
slackened blanket and revolve BEFORE THE DOGS WAKE UP. As soon as you have
assumed a new position, allow for those crucial three inches again;
otherwise, you're a mummy for the rest of the night.
NEVER SPREAD THE LEGS MORE THAN THREE INCHES' A dog's favorite place to
sleep is in the hollow created by legs too widely spread, and once settled,
he and you are frozen into position until morning. (There is a way out of
this trap,but it is difficult to describe without slides). Dogs who prefer
to sleep on their backs MUST BE GIVEN SPACE THREE TIMES THE HEIGHT
OF THE DOG AT THE SHOULDER. Dogs who like pillows may be accommodated if
you sleep on your side with the legs scissored so that each dog has an ankle
for a chin rest. Above all, BEWARE OF CURLING! When the curl is reversed, both
dogs are dislocated, resulting in low growls on both sides of you.
When you are ready to add a cat, position is all important. All cats prefer
to sleep in hollows, but NO CAT WILL SLEEP ON THE SAME SIDE AS A DOG.
(Remember, you have only two sides). YOU MUST THEREFORE BECOME A TRIANGLE!
Do this by assuming a horizontal diver's crouch, thereby creating not only
three more-or less exclusive sides but two hollows as well. With one dog at
your front, and the other against your back, the cat can curl into the hollow at the back
of your bent knees, separated from both dogs. All will then sleep soundly.
This entire technique still needs a lot of refinement. A method that deals
with early morning scratching needs to be developed, and the problem of
pretending to sleep while being closely scrutinized by various animals
needs to be solved.
Dog People are a special breed not usually recognized by the AKC.
They:
Think everyone has crates in their living room.
Have messy houses---their kennels are spotless.
Can always find a show catalog within arm's reach.
Have kids who know more about the "birds & bees" when they are 5, than most
people know when they are 40.
Drive trucks, vans & motor homes equipped to haul dog crates.
Can never be reached on a weekend: they are at a dog show.
Will drive 400 miles, spend $100 on gas, $200 on a motel room, & $150 on
meals to bring home a 25 cent ribbon.
Have kids who regard to the word BITCH as just another household word.
Have lush green backyards---& they never bought fertilizer.
Get up at 6:00 am to walk the dogs, can be at ringside dressed to kill by
8:00 am , but have trouble getting to work on time.
Will usually give up the $150,000 home in the suburbs to move to a shack on
10 acres so they can have a $150,000 kennel.
Never miss a closing date for entry fees---but pay the mortgage 10 days
late.
Would rather be audited by the IRS than be investigated by the AKC.
Use dog food bags for trash & 30 gallon trash cans for dog food.
Talk for hours on the phone to another dog person in a language known only
to dog people.
Have parents who think they lost their minds.
Have neighbors who think they are strange.
Have doggy friends who think they are TERRIFIC!
The Happy Dog's Bedtime Prayer
Now I lay me down to sleep,
The king-size bed is soft and deep.
I sleep right in the center groove
My human being can hardly move!
I've trapped her legs,
she's tucked in tight,
And here is where I pass the night.
No one disturbs me or dares intrude
Till morning comes and I want food!
I sneak up slowly and it begins
My nibbles on my human's chin.
She wakes up slowly and smiles and shouts,
"You darling beast! Just cut it out!"
But morning's here and it's time to play
I always seem to get my way.
So thank you, Lord, for giving me
This human person that I see
The one who hugs and holds me tight
and shares her bed with me at night!
- Author unknown -
"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies." -- Gene Hill
"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in
case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in
your ear." -- Dave Barry
"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog,
it's too dark to read." -- Groucho Marx
"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs."
-- Aldous Huxley
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times
before lying down." -- Robert Benchley
"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's
how dogs spend their lives." -- Sue Murphy
"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to
bite people themselves." -- August Strindberg
"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless
absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation." -- Fran
Lebowitz
"Ever consider what dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a
grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They
must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" -- Anne Tyler
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious
cult." -- Rita Rudner
"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can.
That's almost $7.00 in dog money." -- Joe Weinstein
"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have
known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." -- James Thurber
"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with
pets." -- Nora Ephron
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are
wonderful." -- Ann Landers
"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and
get used to the idea." -- Robert A. Heinlein
" In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should
have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him." -- Dereke
Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan
"Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of
the most fond memories!" -- Dr. Tom Cat
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." --
Ben Williams
"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem." -- Edward
Abbey
"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog
does." -- Christopher Morley
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves
himself." -- Josh Billings
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome
including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will
have you laughing out LOUD!
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
"something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his
room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can
you help?"
I put my best hamster-healer _expression on my face and followed him
into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his
back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey", I
called, "come look at the hamster!"
"Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded! "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we
didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife. Well, what do you
want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually
think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most
loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,"
she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a
wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of
birth."
"OH, Gross!" they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to do wit h a litter of
tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think
she was being snotty here, too, don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny
foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"Its breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged. "Okay, okay."
Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared,
giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times
with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.
"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here
with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him.
(Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is
one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for Pete's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a
c-section?"
suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured.
"Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor.
In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy.
You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into
maturity, like most male species, they um....um....masturbate.
Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my
wife.
"Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron." We were silent, absorbing
this.
"So Ernie's just... just... Excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence.
Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle.
And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman
I married would commit the upcoming affront to my FLAWLESS manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that...I'm picturing
you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to
bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned.
We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our
son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie' s really thankful for what you've done, Dad,"
he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
2 Hamsters ..... $10
1 Cage .... $20
1 Trip to the Vet ....$30
Memory of your husband pulling on a hamster's weenie. ...Priceless
Ten Peeves that Dogs Have About Humans:
1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all !!!
2. Yelling at me for barking.. I'M A DOG, YOU IDIOT!
3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9.Dog sweaters. Hello ???, Haven't you noticed the fur?
10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.
Now lay off me on some of these thing's, We both know who's boss here!!! You don't see me picking up your poop do you ???
Do Breeder Pay Scale
A man owned a hobby kennel in Texas. The Texas Wage & Hour Dept claimed
he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to
interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them",
demanded the agent.
"Well, there's my handler, who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him
$600 a week plus free room and board.
The kennel help has been here for 18 months and I pay her $500 per week
plus free room and board.
Then there's the half-wit who works here about 18 hours a day. He makes $10
per week and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday"; replied
the breeder.
"That's the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit," says the agent.
"That would be me," replied the breeder.
JUST A DOG
From time to time, people tell me, "lighten up, it's just a dog,"
or, "that's a lot of money for just a dog."
They don't understand the distance traveled, the time spent, or the costs involved for "just a dog.
Some of my proudest moments have come about with "just a dog."
Many hours have passed and my only company was "just a dog," but I did not
once feel slighted.
Some of my saddest moments have been brought about by "just a dog," and in
those days of darkness,
the gentle touch of "just a dog" gave me comfort
and reason to overcome the day.
If you, too, think it's "just a dog," then you will probably understand
phases like "just a friend," "just a sunrise," or "just a promise."
"Just a dog" brings into my life the very essence of friendship, trust,
and pure unbridled joy.
"Just a dog" brings out the compassion and patience that make me a better
person.
Because of "just a dog" I will rise early, take long walks and
look longingly to the future.
So for me and folks like me, it's not "just
a dog" but an embodiment of all the hopes and dreams of the future,
the
fond memories of the past, and the pure joy of the moment.
"Just a dog" brings out what's good in me and diverts my thoughts away
from myself and the worries of the day.
I hope that someday they can understand
that it's not "just a dog" but the thing that gives me humanity and keeps me
from being "just a man."
So the next time you hear the phrase "just a
dog." just smile, because they "just don't understand."
To all my friends who know as I do
"They are Not Just a Dog".